Regret is the best revenge.

He didn't show up.

(If you have no idea what I'm talking about, please read this and this.)

(And get with the program already. Geez.)

So needless to say, yesterday was a bit anti-climactic, what with the huge build-up and all. We went to the party, and of course, I looked fabulous.

(In that "These kick-ass jeans and amazing never-before-carried-purse? Oh, I just changed into any old thing when I got off work!" and "My hair? Oh yes, it always looks like this!" kind of way.)

Hubs looked good too. But that's because Hubs is a stud. The man wears clothes well. (Once he let me start picking them, that is.)

We had a good time. It was evident early on that The Big Ex would not be attending, so I could relax and enjoy myself without wondering when he might walk in. It was great to catch up with some old friends that I rarely see, and schmooze with some people I don't know.

All in all, it was a nice night. And Hubs and I didn't drink too much, so we have no regrets this morning.

But, me being me, I can't help but get all introspective.

(One might argue that I have too much time on my hands. I prefer to think that I am just greatly in tune with my feelings. Clearly.)

It was rather alarming for me to realize just how much the possibility of seeing this man from my past would affect my present.

I'm not talking about shoulda coulda woulda. And I'm not talking about regrets. I'm not even talking about nostalgia. I'm talking about ego.

Hubs and I have had a few talks about this in the past couple days. Exes are always tricky, whether they're mine or his.

(For the record? We see his major ex-girlfriend all the time. She goes to a lot of the same weddings, showers, parties, etc that we attend. My ex has always taken a backseat because we don't travel in the same circles very much. Anymore.)

I wanted to make sure Hubs knew how I felt. I'm lucky because we can be totally honest with each other when it comes to things like this. There's no jealousy. Anything that happened before we started dating is abstract.

(There is, of course, teasing. But that's to be expected.)

To be honest with him, I had to be honest with myself, and that's where ego comes in.

It's human nature to care what people think about you. We were "blessed" with self-awareness, so it just comes with the territory. I can accept this.

However, that doesn't mean that I wasn't severely pissed off to discover that I still care what my ex thinks about me. All of them, not just the "big" one. And Hubs' exes, for that matter.

In reality, The Big Ex knows that I am doing just fine without him. Years ago, after our divorce, during one of our rare heart-to-hearts, he told me how proud he was of me, for moving on and doing so well, and that he knew that this is how it was supposed to be. For a man who rarely shares anything more than a pack of cigarettes, that was huge. And I appreciated it, because his opinion mattered to me. Matters.

And I'm not afraid to admit it.

(Pissed off, yes, afraid, no.)

Maybe it's different for women. For the most part, we are the more emotional of the two sexes. More sentimental. We dwell. We rehash. We obsess.

I think the main reason for all of that is insecurity. We want to make sure we've left our mark. We don't want to be just one of many. We want to be the one that got away. The one that you still think about at night, regardless of who is lying next to you. We want to be the relationship that you compare all the others to.

(In a good way, not a Fatal Attraction kind of way.)

And we want this (even though we know it's unrealistic because most guys don't think like that) because we need it to feel better about ourselves. And about how much you meant to us.

I don't flatter myself into thinking that all of my exes still pine for me. I know better. And even though breakups hurt and are awful, they happen for a reason. Because you get past them, and you realize what is important to you in a partner. And most of all? You realize what you don't want, ever again.

Even if you want the best for someone, and you know in your heart the best isn't you? You still want them to remember. Even if you're happier now than you ever were with them, you want them to remember. And any time I see him, I want to look damn good. Because he'll remember.

If you've been loved by me, you don't forget it.