Awhile ago, someone asked me to post about a car trip taken by my husband and myself. Of course, in my typical absentminded (except when I'm a raging control freak, clearly) fashion, I forgot. Sorry!
Let me preface this story with a few facts.
- I get car sick. Easily. Ever since I was a little kid. For some reason, it got a little better for a couple years during my early twenties, but I just think that was because I had an overwhelming mix of tobacco, caffeine, rebellion, and angst coursing through my system, and a little vertigo didn't faze me.
- I'm pretty sure my husband never actually farted in front of me until AFTER he proposed. Because he's tricky. Of course, that's about the same time that I started wearing sweatpants to bed, so I guess we're even.
- I am always right.
- Hubs is pretty much a saint. All of my stories about him are based on the 10% of his behavior that makes me want to throw him out the window.
- It is hard for me to admit that #4 is true, because it makes me look bad.
Moving on.
I like to drive. When I am not actually driving, I like to tell the person who is what I think they should do next. A lot. It's really fun to ride in the car with me, especially if I don't think you're a good driver. More often than not, you will probably tell me to shut up. But that's okay, I don't mind. I'm fairly used to it.
Because of this, most trips with Hubs start out with me pouting about the fact that he never lets me drive. He will even admit that he doesn't like to drive very much, but that my driving scares him.
I'm not sure why.
I am an excellent driver. I've never had a moving violation or an accident. (I'm knocking on wood. Or the couch. Whatever's closer. There's wood in there somewhere.)
The point is, I'm a backseat driver. I'll admit it. I am firmly convinced that I am saving us every time with my shrieking, pedestrian-watching, and eye-covering. Hubs actually thinks that my hysterics will distract him to the point where it will cause an accident, but I don't think so. I'm helping.
On any long car trip, the only way to assure that one of us will not be tossed out the window into oncoming traffic is if Hubs is driving, and I am drugged. Not kidding. I take motion-sickness medicine. I even carry it with me at all times, that's how easily I get carsick. It sucks. (Unless, of course, I'm driving. Then I'm fine. But see above mentioned: Hubs would rather walk.)If we are on a car ride and I am not asleep, the conversation usually goes something like this:
***
ME: Watch the road!
HUBS: I am! Stop yelling.
ME: No you're not, you're looking at those boats! How can you be watching the road when your neck is craned to the side?
HUBS: Leave me alone!
ME: That guy is merging! Do you see it? DO YOU SEE IT??!
HUBS: Yes, I see it. *fiddles with the radio*
ME: (screeching) WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HUBS: Calm down!
ME: (somewhat pacified now that we are not in a pack of cars) Okay. You're right. I'm sorry. Sorry.
HUBS: (turns to look at me) It's okay, you just --
ME: YOU'RE NOT WATCHING THE ROAD!
HUBS: (forced to step firmly on the brakes as the car in front of us slows down, causing me to grab the door handle and duck for cover) Maybe we shouldn't talk right now.
ME: Good idea.
**10 minutes of perfect driving and no talking**
HUBS: (reaching over to take my hand) Do you feel better?
ME: Yeah, I think so...I -- Did you just FART?
HUBS: (looking over at me, grinning) Uh...
ME: WATCH THE ROAD!
***
So there you have it. It's amazing that we can even make it the half mile to the grocery store. (Which, of course, we couldn't without my input. Clearly.)
Marriage is about being tolerant. Hubs and I bug each other, sure. But we're in it for the long haul: car trips, hysterics, flatulence, you name it. We love each other, so we put up with each other's crap. It's all good. And we learn stuff every day.
I've learned the meaning of "for better or for worse." It loosely translates to "it should be our life goal to afford a chauffeur."
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120 comments:
I believe you and my wife were accidentally seperated at birth.
Still lovin' your blog (found you on blogs of note). I am so glad that someone else goes through the whole driving thing too. My husband always lets me drive because he says I complain too much about his driving. I think the whole chauffeur thing is a great idea!
This was good. It sounds like you and your husband have a lot of fun. I have a question is farting in front of your spouse wrong? Also I get car sick when I read in the car or motion sickness I don't know. All and all I enjoyed this and I do believe some women are scary drivers.
Yeap could be written (largely) by my wonderful other half about me, except the only driver is me.
The ONE TIME I actually bit my toungue when my husband was driving, we rear-ended someone. So keep on backseat driving!
P.S. Found you on Blogs of Note. Cool place you've got here.
Love this story! So true about the farting too!
Check out my blog: http://nicoleink.blogspot.com
your conversation is quite a chuckle.
i really want to use it my comedy drama evening
thanks =]
x
Thanks for the laugh.
hehehe ;)
when i read the title, i thought no statement could be truer.
whenever i happen to be with my (boy) cousins all they do is fart, and laugh about it.
ew
That's cute. I wish I were still married and my family hadn't disowned me and my dog (mostly my dog...she attacks kids).
Omigosh, you are hilarious! Reading your post today reminded of me and my husband of our conversations in the car. Especially the farting part! Actually, for us, I've learned the meaning of "for better or for worse" loosely translates to "it should be our life goal to afford a cook and a maid." :-)
Love it. Just in case you are ever in need of another catch phrase while the Mr. is driving I'll let ya borrow mine. It's "watch where you're going not where you've been" and my poor Mr. hears it at least 4 times a minute while he's driving. Oh well maybe he should watch the road.
My driving makes my better half sick as well. Motion sick that is. I get advice on how to work the clutch regularly. It's adorable. Her sickness gets compounded when I fart too. Then I get different "clutch" advice.
omg that post was definitly funny. It really is better when you and gf/bf are VERY close! Great posts!
You should take a look at my blog.
I would like some more readers!
Your car rides sound like the ones I used to have with my EX. She wasn't in it for the long haul but we did make it through 13 years of car adventures. Maybe next time I will make my new love do all the driving.
JB
I have the exact same problem...horrible carsickness and horrible tendancy to be a backseat driver. It's a wonder that my husband even talks to me after being in the car with me for a few minutes...let alone a longer trip!
The worst part of all this? Being the other PASSENGER!!!
Insanity.
(Though I SLIGHTLY prefer the Bickersons to your driving circa our high school days. Seriously, we really almost died!!)
(Love you!)
Um, are you sure you're not talking about MY husband? Who recently farted in bed in an absurd attempt to "turn me on"???
The only serious fights we get in, by the way, are IN THE CAR when I'M driving. He, too, would rather walk.
It's okay, we've reached a happy medium. He drives, I sleep. Then he buys me chocolate. Repeat.
I just found your blog and LOVE it!! This post especially reminded me of my husband and I. I honestly don't know how he gets from point A to point B without me in the car. ;)
This post had me LOL. AND I learned a new word: vertigo.
you're very witty and your blog never fails to make me giggle :) keep it up!
Just fell upon your blog and its great! Keep up the good work.
Meaghan
I do that too. But usually it's because the BF is actually the most distracted driver ever. And he breaks to late.
I catch myself biting my tongue and just pushing down like I have a break pedal instead.
I prefer to be asleep. Then I don't have to consciously worry about dying.
at least he didn't belch right after he turned his attention back to the road...
Oh my gosh! My husband was YOU tonight! ;)
Thanks for the fun post!
I love it when people can laugh at themselves and be sincere all in the same post. :)
hahahah you're hilarious.
I'm new here! Sweet blog. I just love your style.
You know you have been married a long time when you can pick up your husbands scent trail by recognizing the smell of his flatus acrossed a crowded room.
Now that's knowing your man unlike any other!
hi.
Im Sina.
A boy.I'm 16 years old!and I'm poet.
I read your post.
That was interesting.
uh..Im persian.
I'm single so I can't understand you and your husband!
This is my yahoo ID:poet_cactus
You are absolutely hilarious and honest. I love it. UGH- and guys with their farting and being smug about it... hate that.
This is so totally a replay of almost every car trip with my husband..."Watch the Road" comes out of my mouth regularly!
I'm also grabbing onto the "oh $hit" handle often as my husband usually thinks he's driving in Nascar...
Made me laugh so hard I cried. Now that I've cleaned the mascara tears off my face... what is it with husbands and the side window?
A typical conversation: "You're driving. Look out the FRONT! Better yet, let me drive and you can look all you want. And why are you rolling down the win... oh, no, you farted AGAIN!"
Keep on blogging. I can use a new excuse to procrastinate!
Two thumbs up... very well said. :-D
Very very cute/funny/perfect! Loved it!
I had to clear the drink off of my monitor when I got to the conversation you two have. (Good thing it was only water!)
I've been reading your blog since you became "Blog of Note", and it is a wonderful read! I'm subscribed now and everything, makes you feel special, right?
Feel free to check my blog out..though it's not nearly as good as yours. I've only recently become a 'serious blogger', so it takes time.
http://mylifethoughtsandramblings.blogspot.com/
I loved this post. It fits my hubby and I to a 'T'.
Do what we used to do: take separate cars and meet up at our destination point.
That way I could listen to MY music, stop at a drive thru and scoff down hot chips without being told off for making a mess and basically avoid creating WW3 when he drove too fast, too slow, too aggressively etc etc etc.
WS
'my husband and myself' is horribly wrong English D:
I know what you mean about the motion sickness. I always have Dramamine on me...I mean I can't even swing at a playground. Now that's fucked up.
Love your blog btw!! I just found it.
HI there! wow. cool posts you got here.. ^_^ thanks for the comment on my other blog ^_^..
yup i have read the whole twilight saga.. hehe.. the rest of the cullen family is on my other blog the main one.. hehe.. which is this one.. shzainzy.blogspot.com i'm quite addicted to it obviously ^_^..
the host?.. ok.. ^_^ keep posting! love your posts! ^_^
I honestly could have written your post word for word (with a little less finely honed humor) if you included screaming at him about how his text messaging while driving is going to be the demise of the entire family. Followed by him giving demonstrations on how he can text and keep one eye on the road by placing the phone up on top of the steering wheel. Followed by my swearing as we nearly run off the road during said demonstration.
I would like you and Hubs to try something in the car next time he is driving. Tie a fine piece of thread to the steering wheel out of the way of the drivers hands. Take the thread between your thumb and index finger and pull it tight enough so you can feel the small motions the wheel makes as you travel. Use a light thread so you can't pull the wheel around if you freak out or something. This should help with two things, your motion sickness and yourneeding to be in control. Otherwise may I suggest NyQuill. Thanks for the great story!
Lol!! That was soo funny. Your blogs make my day :)
Do you have any books?
http://rougedetails.blogspot.com
Grins :)
I think hubs and Mr. Sopranasello are somehow related. Ahh, soo excited that you shared the story! I will have so much to talk to you about next time you make me fablulous. This was hilarious. I love that you are at peace with your being a "back seat driver," by the way. You are clearly mature!
bwahaha, made my day :)
have u tried a hand at poetry? ur writing is real good..snarky n smart... was jus wonderin if u would like to expand ur talents a little more... jus a suggestion!
Ha, this was actually very sweet.
oh please women fart way more than men...only they go to the bathroom but if you eat MEAT, then no matter what gender you are, it's gonna smell
my advice...become vegetarian =P
awwww! so cute! had a nice time readin this one..
hmmm so this is the kinda stuff "blogs of note" are made of? :P
good job! =D
This is fabulous! Was just checking out the blogger 'blogs of note' and came across yours. The title of this post had me giggling, let alone the car trip that played out in my mind. Such a good read, I will be back again soon;)
Soo, you and I are long lost twins . . hi! nice to meet you. Control Freak, check. Huge back seat driver, check. Husband who farts and makes me want to gag, check. I laughed out loud at this and that's hard considering it's too early in the morning! I found you 'cause of blogs of note and decided to stick around. I'm glad I did! :-)
Your blog his hilarious! My hubby and I have the same convos.. "hun.. red light.. red light.. That means STOP!!!"
Wow that sounds like me, even though I don't get car sick that easily, but I tend to be a back seat driver and always love to drive because others make me nervous. I'm not married but I hope that I have a husband that can handle my crazy antics and controling ways.
This has been the most intertaining blog I have read in a long time. It made me laugh and it was well honest. I loved it.
-Chrissy
nothing puts a smile on my face like a good fart story. thanks for the chuckles this morning.
So funny! What a great blog! Found you on blogs of note. Have to say, My hubby and I have similar trials while on the road. Except he is the worst driver EVER so I feel justified in my rants. Some things he has run into include a firehydrant (you know, the bright yellow things) a big foot truck (tires taller than the car) and a wall (says it moved). Mr Observant he is not.
I would me glad if you looked into my blog! It's in swedish but you kan translate my blog with google-translation!
love Fredrika!
Got a good chuckle out of this one. Nicely done. :)
Stumbled on here from Blogs of Note very funny post - much like my life when I even consider driving with my husband in the car. I will have to come back to visit!
Funny! But is it really necessary to drive....1/2 a mile! I am biased of course as I live in London and walk everywhere.
Very cute story! ROFL! Found you on Blogs of Note and love your style! Reminds me of myself.
My husband also despises my driving, and I've never even had an accident,nothing that was my fault anyway. Well, there was the little old lady who ran HER red light and hit me while I was passing thru the intersection, courtesy of MY green light. Anyway, I remind him of my impeccable driving record and the fact that my brother has been in about 10+ accidents in only 8 yrs! My hubby is an excellent driver, for which I am thankful. He refuses to fart in the car b/c he "doesn't want to offend me." I swear those are his exact words! I tell him, he can't hold it for too long or he'll internally combust! I'd rather have him smelly and safe than blowing himself up from the inside just so he "doesn't offend me." He also goes into the bathroom to do his gaseous business so as not to gross me out. Guys, take note. Your girl will thank you and probably love you more if you follow suit. If you just can't help yourself,at least keep a can of air freshener nearby!
I came here through blogs on note and your blog design is simple and you proved that content is king.
Keep the good work going.
That is just absolutely HILARIOUS! I love it! Boy if only you could get my BF to understand that marriage is accepting each other no matter what and working through it all TOGETHER. Shreiking (horribel speller) car rides FARTS and all! Silly boy expects things to be perfect. To bad he doesn't like computers or I would totally be sending him to your blog!
Found you on Blogs Of Note like many others.
High-larious! I can relate to some of this stuff. My hubster does not let me drive at all. I can drive splendidly, but he prefers doing it all, even if it's a long road trip. It's interesting how the car sickness doesn't bother you when you're the driver. My guy must be in the drivers seat or passenger seat. If he's in the 2nd row, he feels sick. I never knew this till a bunch of us rode in one vehicle to a BBQ in an SUV. His brother and sister-in-law road up front. He was gripping the door handle and I'm like, "what's wrong with you?" He tells me he cannot ride in the 2nd row because it makes him sick! I didn't even know this about him and we've been married for over a decade! I told him he was from another planet...lovingly of course.
OMG! I did not know that there were others like me -- NO, really!!! YOU wrote about a typical drive with my hubs and I... except I like to add, "Keep it between the lines" and usually jump when he gets too close to the white line or ask him if he is falling asleep if he gets too close to the yellow line. I am adding your blog to my favs - thanks for the chuckle!!
You are too funny...I just found your blog by I love you already! I write my own little blog also, & would love it if you stopped by!
www.bmommy1.blogspot.com
Men and farting, such a happy pair. When my ex and I were on our honeymoon we were going up a gondola on the side of a ski-hill. Since we were alone on the gondola, my then husband decided to fill the gondola with his disgustingly smelly farts. How romantic can a honeymoon get? I was gagging from the horrific stench and couldn't open the windows (they were frozen shut). Then all of a sudden the gondola began to slow down and then stop. The doors opened and a cute little family of four joined us in our smell fest. I was soooo embarrassed! So I can totally relate..
Found my way in here by accident but am so glad I did. You're hilarios, and have got a fab blog. Gosh I've got so much to learn. Just started my own but gosh...seems I've got so much to learn. I'll definitely pop in here daily.
Take care, from London with love,
Cat.
Thanks for sharing snippets of your obviously hilarious life. And for telling it that way. I really needed it.
Yup, definitely a blog of note. ^_^
=) my husband and I argue everytime he gets behind the wheel.
HAHA... man I hate backseat drivers! But you guys are hilarious!
hi tia,
found your blog from the blogs of note. really lovvvvee.. your writing. can't wait to see your books next. you ARE witty and entertaining!
My hubby is the same way, he would rather drive than let me drive and I get car sick if I don't drive. Lose/lose situation. We are driving from NJ to FL next month and he wants me to sit in the back with the baby (I guess so I can't comment on his driving as much)
I will follow your lead...I think I will need to be drugged.
I love your blog... I'm still laughing over this one... =) Thanks!
I really like your work. It's very witty. I'm immediately adding a link to your blog from mine designating you as a blogger who will make you think (and simultaneously make you laugh.)
By the way, it was the word "fart" that first caught my attention. I'm a 27th generation farter, who has as a requirement of all my passed girlfriends, that they not be offended by my passing wind. It's just what I do.
http://www.theviewfromoutsidemytinywindow.blogspot.com
Silent but deadly are the worst.
At least one should have the common decency to fart with flair.
JH
Great fun! Enjoy reading your blog and have added it to mine so I can come back for more. Keep on posting.
You are hysterical and so honest!!!
This is exactly what is like when my husband drives though I try really hard not to say anything. It's almost like they fart to get the last word in! I came here via Blogs of Note and I will be back!
I caught your blog today...cute, witty, funny and fresh. Keep up the writing. It's very entertaining. You brightened up my day while I'm in the confines of this grey cubicle. Peace!
haha. SPECTACULAR story.
Excellent. The first time I heard my Husband fart he was asleep. He didn't believe me for YEARS! He was mortified. He did it last night and I woke him up and told him he farted and he goes "you woke me up for that?". Such is love.
LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog :)
Hhaha ... I think that you never get bored this way ! When I'm driving (which is quite often, since I'm not married, yet), I can't stand that someone tells me what to do, it's driving me banana ! So, I can understand your hubs ...
I really enjoyed reading your post. It made me laugh. I am the driver and my husband is the back seat driver.
I'm not alone!!!
thank you for your driving honesty I loved it!!!
What a great laugh :D
Oh my gosh!!! I just about peed my pants reading this post!!!!!!!
This describes me and hubby to a TEEEEE!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
85 comments, Tia! I am in blogging envy!
Wow! This is so amazing! I can't tell you what a relief it was to find your blog. Reading it has me almost in tears because of funniness. I love it! And about your driving/riding habits, it reminds me so much of my sister. I refuse to go anywhere unlss she is driving. She is an awful passenger. :D
I am a firm believer that all single guys have a pact. Things they will not do under any circumstances in front of a woman until after we have been suckered in with all the vows and legal stuff. One of the first things on the list is fart in bed. You can ask any single guy and they'll deny it, but isn't that just proving us right?!
Thought so.
Hey clever girl and guests!
i totally understand about the farting.. my husband didn't actually ever fart in front of me until after we were married. Then he was like "my tummy hurts, i swear I never farted before...." yeah whatever.
Anywho I just started a new blog reviewing makeup and skincare products - if you wouldn't mind checking it out and letting me know what you think I would be so thankful!
www.pinkfabulosity.blogspot.com
Thanks! and good luck with the flatulence... ha ha
Oh god... I dont think I have ever laughed so hard! Just so you know... it doesn't get better after 20 years of marriage - my hubby STILL farts in public!
My husband got his kick out of your story... and I feel better knowing that I am not alone. We commute to work every day for almost 2 hours total, all in city traffic with lots of crazy people on the road, which I am convinced he would hit if it wasn't for me. As I am writing this in bed, I think he just farted... I have to add to my hubbies 10% the taking the coffee mug in the morning into the bathroom with him. I am not sure if it buggs me more that he drinks it there while on the thrown or that he leaves it there after...
Anyways, thanks for the story
that's hilar!
You are definately my mother...I can't ride in a car with her. She's constantly got the "oh shit" bar and going to fast "makes her dizzy" so backseat driving is what she does best. Glad to see your "indifferences" make you closer. :)
lovely thinking man , & make yours hubs watch Angelina driving in wanted (2008) , & then he will not say u same thing again. & about farting , wouldn't u think that if one have bad stomach , he cann't stop himself, this applies to your stomach too. & really nice blog . You buddies do have too much fun even on the word of farting hihihi
Hey! I'm just another random passerby who found you on BoN. And while perusing some of your witty encounters I have but one minor curiosity: have you read any of the Shopaholic series by Sophie Kinsella? 'cause I swear you are identical to the main character. (And if you haven't then you must!)
You are describing my life! When my husband farts in the car and I yell "Did you just fart?!?!?" He often says "I don't remember". How do you NOT remember?
Enjoying your blog, very much!
You see this is way when your post first come out I should be the first one to comment. I got so caught up in reading the comments that I forgot what I wanted to write. Oh now I remember....
ROTFALMAO!!!!
Good thing I live in New York and I take the bus or the train! Now all I need is a Man to drive crazy and I'll be set!
Good post ba-by!
Peace,
Clueuin
Tears.....pouring......down.......face!!!
I knew I wasn't the only one....
I bet your hubby won't fix the invisible brake on the passenger side either. Prick. :P
Keep up the awesome writing. You bring smiles to my day! :)
I love it!!! I myself am a backseat driver as well, so that's why I make sure that I drive everywhere!!! I just happened upon your blog on Blogs of Note...and I am thoroughly enjoying it!! :)
~Ashley~
That is truly amazing... for I would have thrown your from the car in a fit of joy if you screeched at me like that... that is why my boyfriend has learned to sit in absolute silence if he rides with me. Also, he ahs learned that if the women in his life (mother and myself) shriek at him, he will comply or be thrown from the car... ^_^ He's so nicely trained.
nice blog story ... :) only problem with the chauffeur is that he probably farts to ...
p.s ...found your blog on blogs of note ..
Grape!
Lovingly - crazy piece! =D
Ok when do I stop laughing? :)
Hey.. I'm new to this.. just registered... been a while since i heard good ol' sarcasm.. was tired of cliches and looking forward to the real thing :)... keep blogging
You sound like my boyfriend when I drive. It's all a lot of fun I admit.
I think its a woman thing, when me and Theresa (my gf, I think) went from Cincinnati to Akron I just let her take the wheel, I can't deal with the criticism and constant nagging;
So if she takes my phone as the cell plan is in her name isn't the logical thing to do is get my own cell plan? (looking for your input)
lmao sounds so familiar. Do you stomp on the imaginary break that's on the passenger's side. I swear one of these days my foot is going to go through the floorboard.
Truly, one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. I see striking similarities between me and my wife in the car. I love how he is trying make up and then just randomly farts! LOL that is super funny to read!
Sounds like a conversation in our car! It's so nice to meet another wife who is always right... I hope your hubby accepts it as well as mine does ~Pam :)
so real, yet so funny! too good. cant stop laughing at #2.
Too funny. Sadly, I have been accused (truthfully) of backseat driving while my husband is supervising (from the front seat) our 15 year old son as he "learns" to drive. Get that chauffer before you have kids of driving age, for sure!! (or get some stronger drugs)
Haha... I love this!
I'll read the rest later, but I'm definitely a "follower" now.
Love your blog (sorry to hear about the "stealer"). You've got such a great "voice." This blog made me think 2 things: Why do we always hear how women are the bad drivers, yet we're the ones always having to tell the men to kee their friggin eyes on the road or slow down when the car in front of them is coming to a stop and they're still cruising along with foot nowhere the brake? And, numero 2: Why do men feel it's perfectly acceptable to fart all the time, but give you a nasty look when you -gasp!- belch? Trust me, puffs of air which come out of the mouth are better than the stinky ones that come out your butt!
I just stumbled up on your blog and love your writing. I feel like I'm reading about my own life in a bunch of your posts...except my husband farted in front of me not that much after our first meeting! I'm a lucky girl!
-Denise
www.run-denise-run.blogspot.com
Hubster wont admit it, be he is a backseat driver...and so am I. We can't go anywhere in a car without having similar discussions about watching the road and such.
hahaha~~~this is so funny~
will keep following ur blog~~~looking forward to read the rest...
ur surely a good writer...love it:)
lolz
CheerZZ
the Rainman was an excellent driver, too.
Me and Josh's car ride convos tend to go along the same lines, but when I'm driving. Which means I'm lost and he's saying meaningless things such as "turn south now" or "head west at the next interchange."
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